Why Proving You’re Right Rarely Improves Your Relationship
Most of us have been there: your partner says something you know isn’t accurate, or they describe an event in a way that feels completely wrong. Your inner lawyer springs into action. You prepare your closing argument. And before you know it, the two of you are in a tense back-and-forth that’s less about understanding and more about winning.
It’s a common dynamic, and it’s one that Terry Real, founder of Relational Life Therapy (RLT), calls a “losing strategy.” Why? Because even if you “win” the point, you often lose connection, goodwill, and emotional safety in the process.
The Myth of the Objective Truth in Relationships
One of the most liberating and challenging ideas in RLT is that there is no single, objective truth in a marriage or intimate relationship. There’s your truth. There’s your partner’s truth. And often, those truths are filtered through different life experiences, values, and emotional states.
When we cling to proving our truth is the only accurate one, we create a power struggle instead of a partnership. It shifts the focus from mutual understanding to scoring points. And the reality is, relationships aren’t scored like debates. Winning an argument in this way can leave the “loser” feeling unheard, invalidated, and resentful.
What’s Really at Stake When You Argue to Win
Underneath the urge to prove you’re right, there’s often something deeper:
A need to feel respected. If you feel dismissed or misunderstood, you might equate being “right” with being valued.
A fear of losing control. Correcting your partner might feel like a way to keep the narrative safe or predictable.
A trigger from past experiences. If you grew up in an environment where being wrong was dangerous, humiliating, or punished, proving your correctness can become a form of self-protection.
These aren’t character flaws, they’re human patterns. But they can erode connection if they go unexamined.
Shifting from Right vs. Wrong to “Understanding Each Other’s Experience”
When couples get locked in “right vs. wrong” arguments, they often miss the opportunity to explore the emotions underneath. RLT invites partners to slow down and focus on subjective experience—how each person saw, felt, and interpreted the moment.
Instead of saying:
“That’s not what happened. You’re wrong.”
Try:
“I remember it differently. Can I share what it was like for me?”
This shift keeps the door open for empathy rather than defensiveness. You’re not invalidating your partner’s reality; you’re adding yours to the conversation.
A Case Example
A client recently shared a story about a disagreement with his wife. He’d brought up a hurt feeling, and she ended up in tears. His takeaway? That speaking up had “caused” her distress and might damage the relationship. When we discussed it, he realized part of his hesitation came from wanting to avoid the discomfort of conflict and from a learned pattern of self-blame (“It’s always my fault”).
Through RLT, we explored how this avoidance, which is another losing strategy, actually kept his needs hidden and left both partners less understood. We worked on language that expressed his feelings without accusing, and on seeing conflict as an opportunity to grow intimacy rather than a threat.
Practical Steps to Step Out of the “Right” Trap
If you recognize yourself in this pattern, here are some strategies to start shifting it:
Pause Before Reacting
Notice when you feel the urge to jump in with a correction. Take a breath. Ask yourself: Is my goal here to connect, or to win?Name Your Experience, Not the Facts
Use “I” statements to share what you felt and perceived. This avoids framing your version as the only valid one.Look for the Need Under the Argument
Are you craving validation, fairness, or understanding? Voice that need directly instead of wrapping it in proof.Acknowledge Their Truth
You don’t have to agree with your partner’s version to say, “I see that’s how it felt for you.” This can lower defensiveness and invite reciprocity.Choose Connection Over Correction
In most day-to-day disagreements, the relationship benefits more from empathy than from proving accuracy.
The Long-Term Payoff
When you stop making “being right” the goal, you create space for curiosity and mutual respect. You also model for your partner that the relationship can withstand differing perspectives without escalating into a battle. Over time, this builds trust because your partner learns that you’re listening to understand, not just to respond. And here’s the irony: the less you push to be right, the more open your partner may be to actually hearing your perspective. In intimate relationships, being right is often overrated. Being understood, and making your partner feel understood, is far more satisfying and far more likely to lead to lasting closeness. The next time you feel the familiar pull to prove your point, consider whether the connection is worth more than the correction.
